Which one are you?
I once argued to a gay friend that there was no such thing as “gay.” I think he was ready for a fight, but then I explained my reasoning.
Imagine a teenage boy who has been raised to believe that he should like girls. One who has always been taught that boys liking girls, and vice versa, is the only natural way to be. One who has been constantly subjected to a barrage of statements, images, laws, rules, and opinions that heterosexuality is good and homosexuality is bad. Not a difficult world to imagine, right?
Imagine, then, that this boy finds himself attracted to a male classmate.
Now, before anyone pipes up with a “people that age shouldn’t be thinking about that sort of thing yet,” let me ask you this. Would you be asking the same question if that same boy were attracted to a girl? Probably not, but I digress.
Can you imagine what that boy must think of himself, to realize that he is gay when so any of the messages he has been receiving throughout his life are that it is wrong to be gay? Shame, embarrassment, anger. Who knows how many others?
But when a gay person comes out, there is this whole community that they now qualify for membership in. Being gay is not a prerequisite for membership, but it does guarantee automatic admission. This community has clubs, organizations, parades, lobbyists, radio and television shows, web sites, and countless other methods of affiliation.
Actually, approve or disapprove of their lifestyle, you’ve gotta admit that the gay community has got its shit together when it comes to establishing and promoting its identity.
Okay, now imagine this boy at 30. He has been out of the closet for half of his life now and has become an active member of the gay community, both socially and politically. Then, let’s say this boy meets a girl and he finds himself attracted to her. At first, he chalks it up to the fact that she’s beautiful and he can certainly appreciate female beauty every bit as much as male beauty. But as he gets to know her, he finds that there is something more there. He finds that he has genuinely strong feelings for her.
Is that a scenario that you can admit is possible? And, if so, how do you think he would feel about it? Conflicted, perhaps? Maybe worse?
So now, I can get to my point, which is that there is a very serious danger in attaching labels to people.
Labels, by their very nature, are generalized. You can’t have a specific label or it ceases to have any significance whatsoever. I am a 6’8″, Jewish-American, adopted, heterosexual male with black hair, green eyes… yeah, not a very effective label. I am 6’8″, or Jewish, or adopted, or heterosexual, or male. Those are better labels, but they are meaningless.
After all, what does it mean that I am adopted? What does it mean if I affiliate as a democrat? What does it mean if I affiliate as a republican? What if I affiliate myself as gay, straight, black, white, or anything else for that matter? Does that mean I have to think a certain way or believe exactly the same things as others in my affiliate group? And if I diverge in my thinking in any way from others in my affinity group, what does that say about the label I’ve identified with in the first place? Do I then need to change my label? Or change back when I find commonality again? Are labels of any use of we wear them and discard them at will, like a pair of socks?
So my argument that there is no such thing as “gay” comes with an elaboration. There is no such thing as “straight,” either. Or “bisexual,” “transgendered,” or any other gender-related label you can come up with. There is only people. People who should be making individual decisions based upon what’s best for them, not based upon an agenda that someone else has created and foisted upon them.
I have a serious problem with labels in general. Take racial labels, for example. Why do we have them? I mean, really think about it, what purpose do they serve? Perhaps to enable us to track hiring practices or college admissions? Perhaps to find people who qualify for certain scholarships or types of aid? Perhaps to track statistics on health and fitness, literacy, crime, or a host of other practices? But what do they really do?
They divide us.
They make us take ownership of an identity that is separate from others who do not share a certain ideology. They emphasize our difference, rather than our similarities. Even as it pertains to equal rights or equal opportunity, racial labels do more to divide than they do to unite. Ironic, if you think about it.
For that matter, what about labels of ownership? I was doing dishes this morning when I began thinking about my fiance and it hit me. She is not “my” anything, nor am I “hers.” We are engaged to be married to each other, but that is as far as it goes. I have no ownership interest in her, nor she in me. Neither of us belong to the other. We are partners, equals, a team.
Parents and children are a big one. My child. But what does that make her? Does that mean she must respect me? How about I try to earn her respect? Does that mean she must obey me? How about I set rules that make sense, take the time to explain them to her, then empower her to make the right decisions… even if they are not the ones I would have made. Last I checked, slavery was outlawed in this country about 150 years ago, so nobody owns anybody else.
Labels like “my” are every bit as detrimental to individual empowerment and unity as are gay, straight, black, white, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, or any other manner by which you might affiliate yourself.
I found the picture in the upper-right corner of this page on facebook this morning (before I did the dishes, in case you’re wondering) and it struck me that I have been a fool to respond to those equal opportunity questions on applications. I will not be fit into a box. I will not ascribe to society’s labels. I will not be pigeon-holed. I will not let you decide who I am and what I believe based upon one facet of an infinitely complicated individual.
And my greatest hope for humanity is that we can all, some day, do the same.
