Part of the reason I decided to return to the world of writing was an experience I had in the City of Brotherly Love at an ethnomusicology conference. Of all the weird places to find inspiration… okay, maybe not that weird.
Anyway, I was sitting in a round table discussion about balancing your life as a performer with your life as a scholar. I was sitting next to a stunning statuesque brunette with long, brown curls and a compelling, angular face framing a brilliant smile (no, I did not write that just because she will be reading this entry… *ahem*).
After a brief chat, I learned that she writes a dating blog. What a coincidence! I shared that I used to write a relationship column.
Okay, you may be asking yourself why she refers to hers as a dating blog and I refer to mine as a relationship column? Well, aside from my trying to be pretentious, I think it has a lot to do with our focus. Kat writes about her dating life and she unabashedly promotes her writing as being about dating. I remember reading one of her blog entries where she shared that of the 30 guys she had dated, only three had made it past the fifth date.
My column, on the other hand, was more about my experience as a serial monogamist. I had some casual dates, in fact I think casual dating is a very good thing. You learn about yourself, you experience new things, you might make some new friends, and you never know whether something unexpected might happen. Generally, though, I jumped headlong off the cliff into the freefall of love… a journey that usually ended in a very messy puddle on the rocks below.
But enough of my jaded cynicism. That’s not what this entry is about.
In the course of our discussion, we began to talk about relationship experts. Those of you who have been longtime readers of TMP know my feelings on these so-called “relationship experts.” I’ll save that rant for another day.
A couple of weeks after the conference, though, lo and behold! She had written a blog about our conversation.
This was a new experience for me, and it really gave me an appreciation for what others in my life felt like when I wrote about them. I was flooded with a variety of possible responses.
“Hey! I’m not nearly as creepy as she is making me out to be!” (sure, a matter of opinion)
“What the hell! Did she have a court reporter with her?!?” (quotes around things that aren’t necessarily exact quotes, though, is perfectly fine in blog world)
“Why am I complaining? Isn’t the most important thing what I think of the point she was making?”
I decided to focus on the last one.
The point I was trying to make is that we tend to be very myopic in our approach to dating. We are looking to do something that we enjoy, we dress in a way that we think is appropriate, we talk about subjects we want to talk about, and dates tend to get very awkward very quickly if the two participants are on different pages.
I had a mental chuckle thinking about picking her up for a date with her wearing a short, sexy black number with stilettos, looking as glamorous as I am sure she looks when she goes out on a date. In the meantime, I am dressed for rock climbing.
Awkward!
Of course, this would only happen with a dating novice. Dating 101. You always discuss your plans with your date ahead of time so you both know how to dress.
Over the past couple of years, though, I’ve been trying to challenge my preconceived notions about a lot of things. Do I do the things I do because I have carefully considered them, and the alternate possibilities, or do I do them because it’s just how someone told me to do it?
As a scholar, I get this all the time.
“You can’t write like this.”
“Why not? <insert renowned scholar> does it like that…”
“But you’re not <renowned scholar>. (S)he does it because (s)he is <renowned scholar>.”
“But before they were <renowned scholar> they were just like me. It was writing like this that made him/her <renowned scholar>.”
“Nope. Sorry. You get a C on this paper.”
This gets back to the crux of the issue. Relationship “experts.” (I put quotes around that word because I say it with such disdain. Imagine me saying it in the most sarcastic voice imaginable as I roll my eyes)
They, like most people, live on auto-pilot. Their perception of the world is limited by their experiences and they cruise through life assuming that their perception is true. In reality, there is no such thing as true. True is an idea that humans came up with to moralize the world around us. We have an almost unlimited arsenal of artificial constructs that we take as incontrovertible truth when they are nothing short of balms to assuage our complete bewilderment at the world around us.
Whoah! Where did that come from?!? Sorry for the “there is no spoon” moment.
The point I was trying to make with my dating blogger friend is that there may be a better way to go about dating. Unfortunately, she was pulled away (or was I the one who was pulled away? I have a crappy memory sometimes) and I never actually got there.
I could create a list of new experiences I have had in my life because I was open to trying something completely new. I have had wonderful relationships because I have striven to not have a “type” that limits the pool of potential matches. I try to roll with the punches and find out what my prospective date is interested in so that I can increase my arsenal of experience.
Am I right? Is she wrong? Who’s got the better of it?
In reality, neither of us. And both of us.
If what she’s doing is working for her and making her happy, then she’s doing perfectly fine. I worry that defining yourself as an expert dater prevents you from being in a relationship. After all, if you fall in Love with someone your identity has been shattered. That is a demon for her to struggle with, though, not me.
If I lived in the same general area as her, I think I would have enjoyed going out with her. And I would have dressed to impress (I clean up pretty good). I’m sure it would have been a wonderful, enlightening date.
And we never would have gone out on a second.
Not because we are incompatible, but because that’s just the way these things work out.
Of course, maybe she would have surprised me. Maybe I would have surprised myself. Maybe we would have transcended the typical first date bullshit and had a truly meaningful experience. Maybe she would have answered the door in her harness and climbing shoes.
We shall never know.
As it is, we are left to hypothesize on what might never have been and justify each of our biased views of reality.
After all, we’re bloggers. That’s just what we do.
